The Brumby Boot Camp – Soft-target anyone?

The Brumby Express has rolled into Election Town and the blowing of steam is fully being exhaled up the tunnel of all who dwell within! Today we hear of the announcement that the Brumby Government is pledging to send unruly year nine students to boot camp. SIR YES SIR! Well, how uncanny that the Brumby Government is willing to punish the mischievous year nine pupils whilst thugs, drunken louts, hoons and yes, even sexual offenders, are set free into the community with a slap on the wrist and a suspended sentence. Soft target anyone? HIT THE GROUND! Well, how uncanny that the Brumby Government is pushing to discipline year nine smokers, truants and imbeciles in an election campaign, whilst the Department of Education is demanding Principals not suspend or hand detentions to children, despite their behaviour, in lieu of creating unattractive statistics. Non-voter anyone? EAT DIRT MAGGOT! How uncanny that Brumby’s tough stance on crime, or should we say tough stance on the breaking of school rules, is targeted not toward people who vote. Oh no, that would be far too controversial! It is targeted toward year nines with half a brain who decide skipping school for a smoke or swear at a canteen lady is the way to appease the minds of the millions of people who feel unsafe in this city. Perhaps the Brumby Government should take a leaf out of its own book. It has been underperforming and breaking the rules now since Bracks bowed out and it’s high time it checked itself into political boot camp for a good boot up the...

Dreamy, Desperate or Daft? Cinderella meets Canberra!

How sweet it is. Love. Romance. Courtship. It is one of the joys of living. Even those who live in Canberra, the public servants of our nation, the faceless drones who make this country tick over, the paper pushers, the decision makers, the conservative – yes, they all crave love and affection. So when a Department of Immigration party is underway and the alcoholic-free beverages are flowing, the endless chatter about work is heard and fake smiles are being bounced around like the new email leak, love is on the mind. At least it was for one. A gentleman who attended a recent departmental party met a girl who could have been the girl of his dreams. His Cinderella. There she was. There she wasn’t. The party ended and he knew nothing but her name. So what does he do? Does he run around Canberra with her glass slipper, seeking the truth to her identity? Sadly, no. This is the modern age. The new century. He emails thousands of employees in the Department of Immigration address book desperately seeking those who attended the party with a princess by the name of ‘Olivia’. Is this her Prince Charming? Breaking all the rules and ever famous departmental ‘Code of Conducts’ in his bid to find true love and risk an official caution, or even dismissal? Time will tell. But let us all hope this Prince Charming, so foreign in our national capital, finds his Cinderella before the clock strikes twelve. Awwww....

The Wank Factor – Would the real Joe Hockey please stand up!

Is Joe Hockey for real? Never mind that he won’t bother creating real precedence for change through political bravery and strength by supporting gay marriage, improving Indigenous recognition and rights, or making real competition in the banking sector. No. Joe Hockey uses his time in Parliament to discuss even more important issues. Issues that could change the face of the Australian political, social and economical landscape. He is a man of leadership, of dare and of foresight. He is a man that can feel the pulse on what Australia needs to move into the future and cater for the needs, wants and aspirations of its citizens. Joe Hockey is more than another rich politician. He is more than spin, more than the party and more than himself. He is a man of his country. A patriot fighting for the rights of those who face discrimination. Fighting for the rights of those who face poverty and hardship. Fighting for the rights of thousands of men, women and children who are marginalised by their circumstance, their sexuality, their race, their colour and their lifestyle. Joe Hockey is a national treasure. A hero. An icon. Oh wait... Sorry, I’ve just realised that was someone else. Who is Joe Hockey? Oh yeah, that twat who used time in Parliament, the highest political forum in the country, to ask the speaker to get the gardeners at Parliament House to please stop mowing the lawns during his ever important radio interviews. What a wank!

Is Ricki-Lee becoming Australia’s version of Paris Hilton?

Has anyone else noticed the Ricki-Lee overdrive in the media lately? She seems to be everywhere! And I don’t mean in a professional-she-has-talent-and-is-entertaining-way!

Hang on, wasn’t she a singer or something once? You wouldn’t know it these days. Despite looking ravishing in an assortment of Alex Perry originals, I am left wondering, what else does she have to offer?  I mean, c’mon, you can’t update your twitter daily with pictures of different dresses, at different b-lister events all over town and expect your legion of twitter fans to think you anymore than a Paris wannabe. Although, I think even Paris these days is calling herself a business woman, so who knows, there may be hope for Ricki-Lee after all. I mean she did after all manage to secure a song spot on the soundtrack to the sex and the city sequel, which I might add had global exposure and the potential to quickly become a household name all over the world. No no no, our Rickster decided to play it cool and keep things low key. Way to go Ricki!

Love always, V

xx’s

The Oprah Opera – a tragic end for some?

-          themelbournebeat original -

Thousands entered the ballot. Only a lucky few were selected. Roll up, Roll up, Roll up, The Oprah circus is in town. Last weekend, those who entered the ballot for Oprah’s two shows at the Opera House in Sydney eagerly and anxiously refreshed their emails after the ballot was closed in the vain hope of being selected. Entrants were told that they would find out within 24 hours of the result and whether they would be attending the extravaganza in December. Unfortunately, thousands were left ticketless and depressed that they wouldn’t be screaming like hooligans at Oprah in the hope of screaming some more after the announcement that everyone was getting a car, international flight or a book from the big O’s Book CLub! The unlucky few were sent an email from Oprah ticket organisers with the ‘so close but no’ tag. Another 24 hours later, the same email was sent again. Ouch! Then, to rub salt into the wound, Tourism NSW sent emails to some of the ticketless and unlucky individuals congratulating them on their once in a lifetime opportunity and the chance to be a part of something special with the hottest ticket in town, with references to tourist information. Huh? Things were looking up for those who missed out. However, a mere couple of hours later, an apology email was sent declaring that the email had accidentally been sent to successful and unsuccessful candidates. Oops. A big thank you to Tourism NSW for being such an Oprah-tease. Thousands of unlucky, unsuccessful stay-at-home mothers and prize hungry viewers will now have to jump up and down screaming at the TV rather than the real thing. Boo to you Tourism NSW!

Rain on Tiger's Parade...

Well another $3,000,000 on a golfer who attracted about 15 000 spectators to a golf course today. Whoop-di-do! Where does the Victorian government get off spending our money on an individual just to coax him to grace our state with his presence? Mind you, he also gets treated royally while he is here. Last night, a woman in the Melbourne CBD died after waiting over thirty minutes for an ambulance. DIED! Thirty minutes in metropolitan Melbourne for an ambulance. What a shambles. And while this poor woman died waiting, Tiger was living the high life at Crown with $3 million of our tax money. Much better for the economy the Government says, but never mind that citizens of Melbourne, people who make this city what it is, are dying because the ambulance is too busy to save your life tonight. Obviously $3 million towards the ambulance service won't do as much for the economy as $3 million to Tiger will. It would only save a number of lives and the heartbreak of many Victorians. Not nearly as important as giving 15 000 people the chance to see a golf swing on the back nine. Hopefully with the torrential rain we are expecting tomorrow the greed, the arrogance, the blindness and the egotistic mindset of the Brumby government will wash away and hopefully bring something cleaner on the otherside. Hopefully one death won't tarnish the State in the eyes of the great Tiger, along with the rain. Urgh...

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